I do not understand the fact that mothers seem to be guilty by default for a wide variety of circumstances beyond our control.
I also hate the way the blaming process makes me feel. Even when I know I am not responsible. Maybe I am just an easy target so I get hit in the general blast.
It knocks the wind out of my self esteem.
I wonder how one learns to duck?
I’m driving down to Saskatoon for the day – a CE course of Medical Emergencies by the guy who wrote the book on them. Should be good.
And then I get to spend the night with grandkids (and my own kids too of course).
Don’t you just love it when a reader called”Payday Advance” comments on how nice the last blog entry was. So personal!
Am I cynical? Who sends those things?
An incident like this gives one a new perspective, although I know that this was not one of those life threatening events. Just the same, it made me think. It was after all my heart, not some part that I could dispose of easily.
And, although my mom did not die of heart disease, it seems as if she did have evidence of an old infarct at autopsy. A small infarct at some time I guess. She was only two years older than me when she passed away, although it was from an aneurysm and totally unexpected.
So, on the way up to the hospital I thought about the unpredictability of life. How it is important to live life fully while one has it; to enjoy each day as a gift from God; to appreciate the people God put into my life to love – my kids and my grandkids, my family and friends.
I guess it is a good thing to reflect on the things of great value in life from time to time. Maybe I should learn how to do that without the heart flutters – it would save the people around me some worry.
That was an interesting way to start a morning. Not highly recommended but definitely different than my typical Sunday morning.
I woke up this morning around 4 feeling a bit weird. My heart was fluttering around without its usual regular rhythm. I lay there for a bit expecting things to settle back into a regular rhythm but after I hadI waited lying there for about 30 minutes, it was still fluttering away.
I nudged Leo and he reached over and took my pulse. Yeah, I had some extra beats. He turned over and went back to sleep.
Well, I wasn’t getting much sleep so I got up to make the morning coffee since I was awake anyway. Having made that decision I decided that maybe tea would be healthier so I made both and sat down for quiet cup. Heart is still racing away. It is hard to relax when ones heart is not beating a regular rhythm and especially as it seems to be getting no better and maybe a tad worse.
By the time I went upstairs with a cup of coffee for Leo, I was feeling very light headed and a bit breathless. Leo checked me again and then said, “I will take a quick shower and then we are going up to the hospital.” When Leo comes out with a suggestion like that, I take him seriously. I really am not feeling well.
By the time we got up to the hospital of course my heart had settled back into its regular pattern. Not a blip out of place. But I have something or other that has moved to the left or right or somewhere on the EKG and I get lots of questions about did I ever have chest pain. Women can have silent heart attacks but I sure do not remember any particular pain or other symptoms that would seem to indicate that. My O2 saturation was low so they put me on Oxygen for a bit, did a few tests that all came back OK and then let me go home. I will probably have to wear a monitor to check the old ticker out more but for now all seems well – just a bit tired.
So here’s to the afternoon nap!
This morning was a tough morning for me. So tonight I guess it is not too surprising that I feel mostly like a limp vegetable. Vegging out – maybe that is what it means.
I was in the OR today – all day. There are always extra stresses doing treatment under time pressure. There is so much to do and we have given an estimate of how much time we think we will need so that we can reasonably get all our cases done in the time available. We try to estimate accurately but there are always surprises. Time consuming surprises.
The first case took about 3 hours instead of 2.
The patient was mentally challenged, a teen now. We have seen her for several years in our office, needing to do work for her under general anesthesia every couple of years. This year was not good. I suppose she doesn’t like to have her teeth brushed and likely her diet contains a lot of sugars. At least from the look of her teeth. I understand the difficulties of her caregivers but sometimes an easy diet or not insisting on simple hygiene habits can be devastating.
Her teeth were soft. 14 fillings and 5 extractions soft. The 5 teeth extracted were slated to have fillings only a few months ago. It is a long time since I have tried to do fillings on teeth where there was no line of demarcation between healthy enamel and decaying enamel. So the fillings just kind of went around, from one side to the other.
I don’t know if I did anything good for her or not. Oh, yes, for a few months the teeth I filled will be intact. But then what? I don’t usually feel hopeless, I don’t usually feel as if everything I am doing is for nothing, but that is how I felt this morning. I don’t like to think about what it will be like the next time I see her. She is only 15.
Sometimes what I do seems like such a tiny drop in the bucket.
Just a verse that has been going through my mind a lot lately:
John 8: 31 and 32
31 Jesus said to the people who believed in him, “You are truly my disciples if you remain faithful to my teachings. 32 And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
I think it is telling me not to be afraid of investigating truth because God is found there. The kind of truth that is illuminated by God’s wisdom is freeing, not something to fear.
So, I must spend time really listening to God as I study.
You know I think I’ve been in this place before. God was there and I learned to trust him/her to b e a bit bigger than an old image of him was. There was freedom from fear there as well.
I guess I should trust that my questions won’t scare God away.