I’ve just come home from my last council meeting. I’ve served enough time they are letting me go free. I guess it has been almost ten years now, some under the old board system and now a couple of terms under the new council one.
They have been good years. Sometimes the meetings were hard; for me a non-administrative type, quite hard in those first years when I was trying to follow the acceptable procedure of drawing up proper agendas, making motions, trying to follow the correct protocol. It is good that we had a pastor leader who helped us learn to lead in more of a style that was suitable for us non-CEO types, who helped us focus on the important work of the church without getting stuck on protocol. Goodness knows there were enough people around who would straighten us out on the protocol if we forgot it. It is good to have those consultants around too, you know, when the situations needing protocol and such arise.
Today, I have begun the mourning process for this loss of function. I was reflecting on what a gift it has been to work for the church in its leadership, what a growing experience it has been to be so involved. The growth has occurred both because I have given myself to the tasks needing to be done and because I have been able to work closely with others who shared this same spirit of devotion and commitment, both to God and to the body of believers that we call Gateway. I am going to miss this level of involvement.
But of course there are new days ahead. There are new ways to serve and I am pretty sure that with a bit of effort, I’ll find my place, a bit of a new place perhaps. Maybe I will try some new ways of being part of these people I worship with. Right now it is a bit hard and there are tears of separation down inside kind of welling up making this screen blurry.
And since it is late, perhaps I had better go to sleep.
There are some people I want to spend some time praying for in the morning.
This morning during my private talk with God in the quiet of my living room, I told him about this patient that I was dreading. Last time he was so arrogant, called me “girl” as if I was of no importance at all. The world revolved around him after all and I was just a female figure that he would use to get what he wanted – which was a new crown for his broken one – at my expense, I think. I believe he was trying to intimidate and manipulate me so that if I responded out of sympathy for his situation, he could then disappear and have his crown for free.
There are many tasks I need to buckle down and work on the rest of this week. The sermon is coming but it has not come easily. The quiet in my house now that everyone has gone home is good but it is easy to procrastinate and otherwise find ways to waste time.
The computer is a great tool and also a great distraction.
I have a set of photos taken over Christmas posted at Flikr
Now back to work.
There are times when I realize that I am pretty much the only solitude loving introvert living in a crowd of extroverted party lovers.
Maybe that is why I am up at this crazy early time. It is quiet. No one else is up for sure. This is beautiful.
Children come home and make my life joyful – for awhile. Chaos can unfold around me for awhile and I will survive – if I have some solitude to help me recover.
Trouble with finding solitude in the wee hours is that it necessitates a nap in the afternoon. That can also be a good thing.
… I get very critical and cynical. I can almost stand outside of myself and watch my heart grow icicles and sharp points that no one wants to get too close to. I don’t even want to get close.
I recognize this happening to me this week. I am very tired. I think my sinuses are also beginning to act up which is not pleasant to consider – or feel.
And tonight at practice, I was just not really into doing music. I hung in there but …
I will post something again when I’ve had some sleep; when I’ve maybe caught up a little. Hopefully.
Last night it ate my sermon!
Maybe I was just too tired but I accidentally hit the don’t save changes button when it asked.
I guess it is not really the fault of the computer – operator error. In other words, "How could I have been so dumb?"
So finally, I went to bed very late with the realization that I was not going to remember how to say the things I had seemed to put down on "paper" so clearly and actually slept. Till 4 am.
Now it is 6 and I have rewritten it and saved it. Now comes going over it. Revising. But at least I have the essence of what I need to say saved!
And I am going back to bed to sleep.