Preparing for the end

It seems too close to the end. I was sharing with a classmate that I am not very good at endings – at good-byes. I’ve had to say good-bye too many times in my life and so I have let myself become steeled to the process. I pack my feelings up tightly inside and dismiss them. But they are not really dismissed – they are smothered but hang on to a bit of my insides – down there where hurt rises when it is least expected. Maybe smothering the deep sense of loss that comes with good-byes, especially of people that I may never see again, cuts me off from them too early. As I said, I’m already preparing for the good-byes and we’ll be together all day and part of tomorrow.

I wonder who I would be if I could let the sorrow of separation show.

This morning the feeling of sorrow sits on my chest like a heavy weight. Maybe I have grown up enough that I don’t have to be strong for anyone and hide what I really feel. It will hurt to say good-bye and none of the platitudes about “it’s only for a season” or “we’ll try to keep in contact” will make it easier. This is something I have to go through.

And I am just thinking as I reread this – “What a crappy post!”

I am glad Leo will be here tonight. I need a hug and a real big shoulder to lean on.

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