Why does God seem to throw these big challenges up in my face? Sometimes I wish he would put choices before me that are more palatable. But I know enough to know that some things are commands. Like “love one another.” “Do good to those that hate you.” Jesus didn’t just mouth these words. And I can’t and claim to follow him either.
So, has he done this – putting the mother of my daughter’s boyfriend in my care as a patient? I know that I can carry on providing good treatment. I don’t let whether I like my patients detrrmine how well I do their work. And we did not have to carry on a conversation since she hardly speaks any English. Thank God for that. At least that is how I felt. I was hoping she would not ask me anything about Grace – and she did not. I don’t know what I would have said. But she did say “thank-you” in a very warm and friendly way as she left.
Maybe I should claim a conflict of interest and ask my partner to care for her. But she is a Muslim woman and he is a man. I suspect this is the main reason I was chosen to provide care. So passing off her care would not be kind or respectful and she has done me no harm really – not her.
It is very difficult to respond in love. I know Jesus would not have shunned this woman. So I know what I am expected to do. But the feelings sure are not there. I don’t know what I feel. This woman who has come to Canada from the Sudan; to a land where the language and customs are foreign, where people must look at her strangely, covered from feet to head as she is. I pity her more than I care about her. I don’t want to learn to love her really. But there she is in my face – or rather I am in hers, and will be for several more visits.
What will become of us – bound together by a common grandchild and a strange doctor/patient relationship? God – help! I really don’t want to even think about it. I did not choose this struggle and right now I don’t want to face it. But…