So today Randall pointed out to me that I am not as free saying what I want to say on my blog as I was at the beginning. He’s right. I know too many of the readers and I am an inoffensive person in general. Just having a place to shout out what I am feeling doesn’t work so well anymore. I don’t know if I am protecting myself or protecting the people around me who might be mentioned on here from time to time. Even if I don’t use names I know most of you are smart enough to figure out when I am talking about you(now don’t get paranoid – it’s not always you). And I am more careful when talking about my kids. I don’t want them to get thrown in jail or anything!! Even when they do stupid stuff and I would like to throw them in jail – or kill them and get thrown in jail myself.
But maybe I need to get back to that kind of honesty I was free to use back at the beginning. Maybe it is OK to let others see what a fool I am sometimes. Or what I struggle through and how I struggle through it and how much I am weak and have to rely on God for help.
In all honesty, one of the reasons I have toned down is that I do not want to offend people. I find I can do that all too easily and then I have to deal with the apologies to the offendee – and for me that is extremely hard work. I guess it is easier to live on a superficial level in terms of looking like Ms Nice. Till I blew up at home from bottled up tension.
It was easier to sit in the pew on Sunday looking like Ms Good. But looking good while enduring loneliness on the inside is not really living. It is funny how as I grow deeper in my faith I find I need people more. You’d think that I would need God more and people less but it doesn’t seem to work like that. I am more and more convinced that we were created to have relationships in order to be healthy; a relationship to God and relationships with friends and a community to which we are accountable.
I know that I am vulnerable and that sometimes I am afraid to show what I am really like to people around me. They know me – to a certain extent – and I want them to like me. Maybe that is why this blog was such a good place for me to express myself at the beginning. I didn’t much have anyone to impress or offend. That freedom was good for me.
Maybe I’m at that point where I need to take back some of that freedom. I need to have a forum to express my thoughts – and that is what they are. Not necessarily profound. Not necessarily correct. But I think I would like to get back to honesty and openness.
So I guess we’ll see.
And having thoughts implies that the brain is functioning – right? I sometimes think that mine has to function on partial power. The cells could have recharged last night if my kid who comes home in the middle (later than 1am) of the night didn’t have this harebrained need to grill up a steak on the indoor grill. Or to have a friend call him at 1:30 when I was in the deepest part of my REM sleep. He did get a small piece of my mind when he came home from work a few minutes ago. I think those were the brain cells that died from being startled awake. But he did go and scrub the grill.