Speaking my mind – or not

So today Randall pointed out to me that I am not as free saying what I want to say on my blog as I was at the beginning.  He’s right.  I know too many of the readers and I am an inoffensive person in general.  Just having a place to shout out what I am feeling doesn’t work so well anymore.  I don’t know if I am protecting myself or protecting the people around me who might be mentioned on here from time to time.  Even if I don’t use names I know most of you are smart enough to figure out when I am talking about you(now don’t get paranoid – it’s not always you).  And I am more careful when talking about my kids.  I don’t want them to get thrown in jail or anything!!  Even when they do stupid stuff and I would like to throw them in jail – or kill them and get thrown in jail myself. 

But maybe I need to get back to that kind of honesty I was free to use back at the beginning.  Maybe it is OK to let others see what a fool I am sometimes.  Or what I struggle through and how I struggle through it and how much I am weak and have to rely on God for help. 

In all honesty, one of the reasons I have toned down is that I do not want to offend people.  I find I can do that all too easily and then I have to deal with the apologies to the offendee – and for me that is extremely hard work.  I guess it is easier to live on a superficial level in terms of looking like Ms Nice.  Till I blew up at home from bottled up tension.

It was easier to sit in the pew on Sunday looking like Ms Good.  But looking good while enduring loneliness on the inside is not really living.  It is funny how as I grow deeper in my faith I find I need people more.  You’d think that I would need God more and people less but it doesn’t seem to work like that.  I am more and more convinced that we were created to have relationships in order to be healthy; a relationship to God and relationships with friends and a community to which we are accountable.   

I know that I am vulnerable and that sometimes I am afraid to show what I am really like to people around me. They know me – to a certain extent – and I want them to like me.  Maybe that is why this blog was such a good place for me to express myself at the beginning.  I didn’t much have anyone to impress or offend.  That freedom was good for me.

Maybe I’m at that point where I need to take back some of that freedom.  I need to have a forum to express my thoughts – and that is what they are.  Not necessarily profound.  Not necessarily correct.  But I think I would like to get back to honesty and openness. 

So I guess we’ll see. 

And having thoughts implies that the brain is functioning – right?  I sometimes think that mine has to function on partial power.  The cells could have recharged last night if my kid who comes home in the middle (later than 1am) of the night didn’t have this harebrained need to grill up a steak on the indoor grill.  Or to have a friend call him at 1:30 when I was in the deepest part of my REM sleep.  He did get a small piece of my mind when he came home from work a few minutes ago.  I think those were the brain cells that died from being startled awake.  But he did go and scrub the grill.

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0 responses to “Speaking my mind – or not

  1. Transparency is way over-rated. Wisdom is way under-rated.

    Or as Milt Engebretson used to say (paraphrase) — “If you have something negative to say to someone, say it. Never put it in writing.” He was a wise man, realizing that if something is in writing the words are much more likely to be misunderstood and they are more likely to come back and bite you later. I cringe when I read some people’s blogs. They have too much personal information and opinion about individuals. Remember everything you say on this box is being cached away somewhere and is subject to google.

  2. Linea

    Good advice Brad. I think though that I need to be transparently wise. I will not write to offend people – I am not like that. But I think I can be honest about my feelings and thoughts; going deeper than the surface. The surface is pretty flat. Going a bit deeper requires more effort on my part because my being honest requires thinking and taking the time to say what I mean clearly. For me this sort of honesty is a lot about being free to express stuff I am learning from God – or questions I have.

  3. Donna


    I think your great…..each of your blogs have been interesting and insightful into your life and loves!

  4. Monday, Febuary 21,2005

    Hi Linea,

    I agree with what Brad said. Great advise.

    Sandy W.

  5. Toni

    A quick suggestion though – start another blog anonymously. If all you want is a place to vent then pick an unlikely psuedonym, create a ficticious place to live and slander/libel to your hearts content.

    FWIW I don’t believe anyone I meet on a regular basis in meatspace reads my blog: not even my friends living abroad. I always restrain my comments, just in case, but I guess it was never inteded to be that kind of outlet – much more a place to explore thoughts and feelings.

  6. Lauralea

    (yeah, I DO check up on you from time to time! This is how I keep tabs on my man, too- his blog, I mean!) I figure your blog is YOUR space. It’s your space to vent, blow off steam, express your joy and wonder, work things through… if I do stupid things and someone happens to pick up on it, and it happens to end up on a web-log somewhere, well, I guess I shouldn’t do stupid things! Don’t think of it too much as a place that it is your privilege to write, rather that it is our privilege to visit and take a peek at the inmost workings of your brain, your heart. Maybe it’s like praying- you have to think about Who you’re talking to, and what you’re saying to Him, and not so much about who’s sitting around listening in. Love you.

  7. Linea

    I have thought about starting up an anonymous blog to more freely explore my thoughts and questions and explore more writing just for writings sake. But slander and ranting even if I am totally honest are simply not my style so that is not what I am concerned about with being honest. It is just saying things that are very real to me but that I would not necessarily say to just anyone. Well, I do have a paper journal too and use it for that mostly. Maybe that is where it should stay.