Too Numb for Tears

Today I found out that one of my patients died suddenly.  I’ve seen her every month for about two years – a really nice teenaged girl.  Seventeen.  In grade twelve.  They say she had a massive heart attack.  How can a girl that age die of a heart attack?  It doesn’t make sense.  It is not right.  She was too young.  It is a bit like a piece out of a bad dream. 

You know what I hate the most ?  It’s the thought that in a few months we’ll have all moved on and will begin to forget.  But I bet her parents won’t  – ever.  Sometimes it seems like life should just stop for a bit to hold the memories longer.

And all the Tsunami victims – we’ll forget them too soon too.

Life will go on.  We forget or get numb or something. 

Sometimes I wish I could just break down and cry for all the hurts of people I know.  I think I might feel better even if it would not make anything better.

I think I am too much like my father.  Maybe I learned from him to hold in the emotions that simply had to be kept in control in order to help others.  I vividly remember the day he cried – huge gut wrenching aching cries.  He was a pastor and spent a lot of time with people in trouble.  One of the men he saw often went crazy and murdered his wife; drinking I think.  I suppose there were other times but this is the one I remember.  His hurt was suddenly just so visible and I was a little girl watching the strongest man I knew weep.

Funny how this memory always comes back when I wish I could wash away pain with tears.

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0 responses to “Too Numb for Tears

  1. Remembering you all today.

    I’ve been there too.

  2. Linea – thoughts and prayers for you today.

    May we all never forget with the passing of time.

  3. I’m thinking of you too.

    But I wonder, all this human suffering – it never ends, does it. Someone I work with recently pointed out that while this Tsunami tragedy is awful, it’s only made the news because it happened in a place westerners like to play. I parts of Africa, 200,000 killed by a ‘natural agent’ would be practically un-noticed. Millions of AIDS victims barely warrant a small column in the papers, and malaria isn’t news-worthy in any shape of form.

    Personally I can’t see the difference between people dying and people dying, but I guess the other things don’t make good TV.

    If I were maudlin I’d wonder if people were just put here to die. I’m not, and for me it’s much more important how we live while we do. That is not to belittle your sorrow in any way, Linea. There are times it gets to me too, and I hope I behave appropriately when it does. I wonder too sometimes, if the greatest tragedies are when people get old, lose their health, mind and dignity. I’d rather be like my father, who lived a full life and died at 54 from heart failure.