It has been tough for me dealing with all that has been going on health wise in the family over the past couple of days. Just a bit emotionally stressful. I feel the pain of my close family members too. It is hard not to try and carry their problems in my pocket as well as my own. Sometimes I put too much in those pockets and then I tend to come a bit unraveled at the seams. That is sort of how I was feeling by this morning.
I went to church looking forward to some time to pray. Instead of peace though I seemed to hear a lot of noise. And that is how life has been lately – noisy – stuff taking up my time and attention; demanding my time and attention. At home, people around, demands on my time from visiting at the hospital, spending time talking with my aunt, social obligations from work, kids visiting, mother chores like groceries and laundry – all stuff that had to be done. It just seemed that there was no time to breathe. So I was looking for some space to breathe this morning, some peace, but mostly what happened was just the stuff that goes on in life.
It is hard to see where God is in the midst of days like this. I am glad I just know he is in spite of the way life goes on. And I am glad for friends who help me see him in their caring for me.
Having a little yelling match with God doesn’t cut down on the noise. I do not like the thought of ending my life like my dad – with Alzheimers. I don’t like the thought of what that would mean to my family. I wish God would just let me have things my way. I want to be in control. I would like to decide how it is all going to end – you know with dignity, a wise woman respected till the end, a sharp mind. Is that too much to ask?
I wish I could say that now it is all resolved in my mind. That somehow I have said “OK, God do whatever you like even with my end years.” But, in fact, this is something I am going to have to learn to trust him with. I’m not there yet.
So God, teach me more about you. Help me to trust. Be patient with me please.