I am prone to get down at times – I have always had a fragile sense of self esteem – maybe it is partly linked to my introverted personality. I worry over what other people think of me. And I suppose that is part of the reason why, from time to time, I am prone to have feelings of complete inability to do anything well. I know in my head that that is not true but sometimes feelings take precedence over sensibility.
I was feeling horrible last night. I have no real idea why. It seemed that I was just surrounded by an oppressive atmosphere that I could not shake off. I went to worship practice last night in that frame of mind and it was tough. None of the songs played easily – it seemed like I was all thumbs and missed notes.
Then I got home and my house was still full of people – some up in the loft watching American Idol, some down in the basement jamming and Leo on the couch watching something else on TV. I disappeared into the office to get myself lost in a book.
Leo came in awhile later. He is my ultimate esteem booster. I think that is how he won me in the first place – by his belief in me as a person of value. Without even a word from me, out of the blue, he told me he was proud to have me for his wife. I needed that vote of confidence right then. Somehow he just knew.
So today, I got up for Gatecrashers prayer time, still feeling a bit down, still with no good reason for this feeling. I was for the first time, unsure that I really wanted to go. But, you know, I knew God would meet me there as he always does – and I knew I needed to just be in his presence for awhile. So he was there and I was there, and I think sometimes he’s OK with me just sitting there not saying much.
Then I went off to work. Work is sometimes a blessing. It has routines that are familiar – things that I know I can do – a place where usually I am confident in what I do. I needed that setting today.
And there were some special treats in my day – some completely unexpected gifts that came my way. One was the gift of a recorder. One of our assistants and I were talking yesterday about playing. She plays the bagpipes and drums and also had a couple of recorders which she doesn’t play much. Her alto recorder has a bit different tone to it than mine – a bit deeper. When I commented on it she said, Here, you take it, I’m giving it to you. I know you will use it playing at church.” Wow!!! That was totally unexpected. So tonight I have been practicing some of the music that I am finding a challenge for Sunday. It will be interesting to see what the new recorder sounds like with the other instruments.
And, after work today, someone I especially like asked me to do something that I am thrilled to do and have never been asked to do for anyone before. I can hardly wait.