I don’t know why I am feeling a bit poignant although I think we had a good meeting tonight. We were discussing the sorts of administrative structures in our congregation and why. So we looked at some of the early church structure and characteristics and then at how we operate as people and as a church. Maybe I am too demanding and I want to get ahead of where we seem to have gotten to tonight. I guess it seemed like we talked about stuff we have hashed around before. Such as how we are afraid to trust each other, how we hold grudges and are unforgiving. And on the other hand how we love our youth and kids and how we are supportive of each other. We are such contradictions!
Maybe I just don’t know where we are going through this exercise. I am feeling a bit disappointed and blue. I guess I am restless to learn new stuff and it didn’t happen tonight. Maybe the problem is within me. Maybe I am just tired. Just plain tired from too many late nights and early mornings. But tired too of changes coming so painfully slow. Tired of expending my energy to make the organization run and myself caring less and less about us sticking to our constitution and making sure the structures in it run. Tired of seeming so out of touch with the world around me and having none of my offspring care a bit about the structure of the church or making it run.
I love the church I am a part of and all, but a lot of the people in it and I just don’t operate on the same wavelength. And that doesn’t sound like a very loving and accepting statement on my behalf so I know that at least half the problem lies inside me. I sometimes have a very poor attitude and I get rebellious and tonight is one of those rebellious nights for me.
On the other hand my dear husband, the archetypical administrator thought we had a great meeting. Certain members of his group had never been so agreeable he said. So I don’t know what that means. Probably just that I had a bad day or evening or that my own expectations weren’t met.
Well, God, if I am supposed to get something out of this weekend, you had better hit me on the head with it tomorrow. Help me not to be so stupidly self-centered and help me to hear what you are trying to teach me. Make me listen with ears attuned to you and not make any caustic remarks that might hurt my brothers and sisters in this family of yours.
Goodnight God and please give me some refreshing sleep.