Tonight I went over to the church again to walk the prayer walk. Each time I go it seems to change me in a subtle but sure way. It is as if I am an onion and each time I go God takes off another layer – getting to my core. I’m not sure what we’ll get down to – what is really at the core of me – what God sees there that he wants to do something with. I guess God knows exactly what is or isn’t there. It’s more a problem of me not knowing what he wants or even what is there for him to want to use.
There has been something going on within me over the past few months, maybe longer. This blog is probably part of that. A sort of dissatisfaction with the staus quo of my life. Looking at new ways of expressing my faith and wondering where I need to go next. Does he have any more adventures in store for me? I guess I don’t want to become complacent or so cozy in my little corner of faith that I settle for less than he has for me. I like it that life is an adventure. I like the thought that God may have some new task for me or may want me to explore new ways of growing deeper in my faith.
But I find it so frustrating that this part of my journey is so lonely. I wish I had someone to teach me more. I read and try to study but it is hard to find someone who will teach me more about what I am reading and who can explain some of the things I am experiencing. I don’t want to start going off in weird directions spiritually or, on the other hand, simply spinning aimlessly because I have been following my own footsteps in circles like Pooh and Piglet rather than following God. And I think this is an easier trap to fall into than I would like to think. I am afraid that my looking for new experiences is the easy way out and distracts me from accomplishing what God has right before me – that maybe God still has a use for me doing what I am doing now. Or does he have some of both the new and the old in his plans for me?
The women I am studying The Jesus I Never Knew by Yancy with are a big help. It is good to be with a group that is interested in growing in faith. But I feel so inadequate to be any kind of a leader because I am still searching for so much more in my own faith. I sort of feel like a toddler in front of a candy dish wanting more, more, more of the experience of knowing God. And then in the back of my head there is this little voice that says – “Grow up and act more sedately. You’re too old and experienced to get all excited or even want to get excited about God. And for heavens sake use more spiritual language when you speak to him!”
So I will go again through the prayer walk, looking for some sort of clarity as I sort through these questions in my life. It is very good to have a place to go – a sacred space for me these days.