Growing Up at Last!

Growing and discovering a deeper faith in Christ has surprisingly only fairly recently become one of my highest priorities. I think the change came due to two significant events or rather series of events in my life. I believe God put someone in my path that because of his frank and honest expressions of faith could lead me deeper in mine. And then there were some major problems that I had to face and as I dealt with them had to learn to trust God to handle them for me. The problems are still there but I am beginning to see them from a different perspective and as I get to know God better I am learning to trust him more for help.

Why did it take me so long to see what God could do in my life? I can blame lots of things but mostly they are due to my own self absorption. Depression doesn’t help and neither does a fear of looking bad in the eyes of other Christians. Partly that comes from growing up in a fairly legalistic church that sometimes placed more value on the appearance of faith than on the actual thing. I think in some ways becoming a missionary fed that kind of expectation. The strong Christian community of the mission was a good thing (we didn’t have as many illusions about ourselves) but the expectations when I came back to Canada were overwhelming. The support of a close missionary community was just whipped right out from under my feet and out from under the feet of my struggling kids. It has only taken me about ten years to get back on my feet as far as being at a point where my faith is growing again. My kids have a way to go.

I also had to learn to let go and trust God. Some of my problems were too big for me to even attempt to fix on my own so I finally let go of my distorted views of self respect and told God to take all of me and make whatever he wanted to out of my mess. And he has given me back not a burden of new expectations but joy. I have a new hunger (I don’t know a better word to describe this sensation of desire) to study what he has taught us in the Bible. Prayer has taken on a new urgency as he takes over my problem areas. I talk to him about those and I just enjoy the wonder of being able to talk to him. I want to continue on this journey because it is one of the most fulfilling things I have ever done. It’s almost too good to be true and I don’t want this feeling of wonder as I walk with him to ever end.

So that is why I wrote the following words:

Free Me

I want to go deeper God.
I want to go in
To the Holy of Holies
To the place where you shine
And have my face reflect you.

But, I cower in the dimness outside
The veil that you rent.
Too afraid, too tightly
Clinging to my self.
Chains on my feet.

If I push the torn curtain aside
Take a faltering step
There’ll be no return
To the familiar dark rooms
Where I’ve been.

Held back by my own expectations
All I think I should be
It is hard to imagine
How I would look
Unshackled, free.

Oh! Tear the curtain down Lord!
Erase my sin!
Free me from those tainted laws
That bind my feet,
And bring me deeper in.

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