Last evening I was given a gift. My drummer boy brought home a beautiful set of planters. A late Mother’s Day gift he said. Maybe it was a peace offering. Maybe he sensed in advance that he would need to atone somehow for his sins.
It is a totally humbling and very overwhelming experience to receive gifts that are totally unmerited in the sense that I am not the mother” just standing in for her. Here I am accepting a gift that rightly should belong to someone else. I keep having this happen to me on the part of my children”. The sense that they love me is too powerful for words at times. They, Jacques and Régine, gave this up so that the boys could have an education. And I don’t know just how to accept the gifts sometimes. I wish I could wrap them up and return them to their rightful owners. I feel as if I am usurping a right that should only belong to them. They gave it up freely but did they know the cost?
I certainly didn’t know the cost emotionally that accepting two kids into our family would exact from me. There is something so different about having children as a part of your family who you have neither chosen to birth or adopt. They were just coming for school and I did not intend to let my heart get tangled up in trying to love them. I intended to just give them a safe, caring place to live while they got their education. Little did I know the consequences of that decision. I had no idea how love would work its way into our relationships in such a subtle way that when the crises came I would find that my heart had already been taken over by these two young men. I love them. I love them as surely as I love my biological and adopted children who I set out from the start intending to love.
I have learned that love is expandable. If Love lives in you, it is not going to be possible to limit the level at which God expresses himself. The more you make room in your home the more room you will find. The more Love you let grow in your heart, the bigger your heart will get. God’s grace is sufficient.
Oh yeah I do get the agonies of worrying over them too and the toil of disciplining. I get to deal with the sorrow of homesickness and depression and the hurt of angry words passed between brothers. But seeing these guys grow up into young men is a reward well worth the hard times.